NOW I understand...

...why when my uncle passed away years ago, my aunt never even looked at another man.  HE may not have been perfect but he was the love of her life and she his.  Or why when my mom's fiance disappeared when I was a kid, she never dated again.  Sometimes, not taking the risk is easier to live with.  I hate to say it but man are more trouble than they seem to be worth!

What sucks about that is that when I was with my ex-fiance, I learned just how "domesticated" I was.  I had always been very career-oriented.  Had never really thought about how important having a family of my own was to me.  Then I met Pete.  I loved the times when I was spending a few days with him and he would come home from base and I would have dinner ready for him.  I often dreamed about our kids greeting him at the door when he came home.  He led me to believe that all of that was possible, then he snatched the rug out from under me.  It's been 9 months to the day since we split.  Since then I have tried to date other guys but the quality seems to lessen with each knock on my door.

Guy 1 - Met him in August...2 months after the break-up.  I knew it was too soon but that is how I deal with things.  If I fall off the horse, I get right back on...or at least I used to!  LOL! He ended up being a selfish, non-compassionate, self-centered man.  I should have seen the signs when he said he disliked his own mother! The gall of some people...I hope she didn't like him either because I sure grew not to! That lasted until mid-November. 

Guy 2 - Met him in December.  He was from near my hometown.  He ended up being a flaky, wishy-washy guy with an addiction to transexuals...WIN-NAH!  LOL!  I OBVIOUSLY do not fit in that category!  I know my guy friends joke with me sometimes and say I have bigger "balls" than anybody they know but THAT is not what they mean!  LOL!  Guy 2 disappeared from mid-December until the end of January.  I amazed myself by giving him another chance...are things that bad?  (SHRUG!)

Then Guy 3 - Met him at the beginning of January.  Younger guy with a sense of fun and he made me laugh...you know that's important to me.  Then he said he had "personal issues" to deal with and was gone!  Guy 2 came back here and then was gone again.  And against my better judgement, I let Guy 3 back.  Although he was only 27, he had a heart attack.  Suddenly the truth rose to the surface like curdled milk.  There had been someone else the whole time.  Obviously, I was a side dish to him.  Glad I didn't let him get too in-depth in my life. 

So that brings us to today.  March 14, 2004 is near the start of the next quarter of my year of renewal.  Twice before in my life, I have taken a sabbatical from men - two years each time.  Each time, I thought it would give me a clearer head on what I wanted/needed in my life....what I was willing to accept in my life and it did.  But now I know what that really is.  Four months into my quest, I am going to call it off - permanently.  To the guys out there that do not fit my statements, I apologize now.  But men are not a positive part of my life...never have been.  It is funny to me that the ones who claim to be different are the most par-for-the-course!  Loving relationships are not a part of the plan for me, apparently.  If my self-esteem was low enough to think that I was only put on this earth to succumb to the physical abuses of a man or to being totally at the mercy of the physical desires of a man...my life would be full of them.  At what point did men decide that we are here to be abused...mentally, physically, emotionally and taken for granted?  I must have missed that seminar! Basically, I am a happy and content person.  But when I am involved with a man, I am never happy.  I am always concerned (in the back of my mind) about trust, honesty, and whether he is truly doing what he says.  My life is SO much happier without all that!  And do not think that means that I am going gay...because I am NOT.  That is not a lifestyle for me!  I know that!  I have no problem with that being someone else's but it is not mine. 

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that many of the things I have desired most in my personal life, have to involve men!  Things like a loving partnership (keyword: PARTNERSHIP!), a loving family with children, all the things that southern society makes us feel is necessary to have a complete life as a woman! 

I admit I DID want a man in my life!  A caring, considerate, loving man with a desire for ONE family...I often hoped that I would eventually have a man in my life that would look into my eyes and see his entire world...while I saw mine in his.  That may happen for other people but I know for sure that will never happen for me.  So...

...here, March 14, 2004....the search is over!  I always thought when I wrote that statement.  He would be standing and looking over my shoulder.  Watching me tell the world how wonderful love was and how happy I was.  I would be typing in his comments knowing every keystorke was filled with truth and happiness and sending out hope that the same would happen for someone else out there looking.  Well, that's not the case.  Don't send me emails saying that when you look for love you never find...when I don't get it when I am not looking either so what does it matter!  LOL!

For those that are out there still looking or still being found...I wish you all the love and happiness your heart can hold and then some!  As for the blog..I am not sure if I will keep writing...maybe, maybe not.  I'll probably come back occassionally and update you on my business or location.  I am sure I won't be telling you about the love of my life....he doesn't exist. :(

Divine Intervention?

I cannot tell you how many times in the last few days I have tried to post something...and the post would be lost or my laptop would freeze up.  I am glad it did though!  My attitude has not been the best lately and I would have hated myself if what I had written ended up posted.  I was not nice to some my friends and some of my family in those posts.  I was awful and while they will never know what I was thinking/writing, I apologize for even having those thoughts!

Things are CRAZY here....my job? OFF THE WALL!  We are busier than ever...which is a good thing!  Except it is stressing me out.  I spent today just getting caught up on some uppacking and some truck maintenance that I had been putting off for too long.  I feel a LOT better having those things off my plate but there is plenty more where that came from! LOL!

Even though my job is crazy busy, it is still just a contract position.  We just got renewed for another 6 months but who knows what will happen after that.  The company I am contracting with is the same company I worked for 3 years ago and I absolutely loved it!  They are one of the Top Ten companies in the world and awesome to work for.  If this contract goes bust, I really hope I can get on permanent with them.  I would love that!  Unfortunately, that would probably mean I would have to leave NC to do it.  I have lived in NC all my life.  I am open to moving but I would hate to be away from my family and it looks like most of the permanent positions for my background are in CA - a place I have never even visited let alone thought about moving to!  Plus it would be my luck that I finally have that great committed relationship that I have looked for all my life and have to choose between having a great career to build on and be able to build a great life with someone with or choosing love with its flighty way of being.  All I have to say is he had better be pretty dang special!  LOL!

Well, I actually have plans for the evening....for a change!  LOL! Guess I better get ready!  Thanks for listening to me rant! :)  Hope you are living in the lap of love and happiness! :)

Boy, Was I BITTER!

I just read my last posting.  WOW!  Such control raged! So I am sure you want to know what happened...here goes.

Well, I had met a guy...nice, seemed to be a decent/good match (not great though) but I was willing to give him a chance.  After a couple of weeks of us hanging out and becoming friends...not even getting to the "dating" stuff yet, he starts talking about some ambiguous "personal things" that he has to take care of.  That to fully concentrate, he will need to forego getting closer with me.  Tells me that he will no longer have time for me for a few months. 

Well, recently, he contacted me...told me how much he regrets the decision that he made (and by himself I might add).  That he pulled away from me in haste and that he should have worked harder to make room for me in his life.  My thoughts?  Too bad; so sad....gotta go! 

So during that "down time" that apparently I was suppose to sit and wait for this guy to come back to me even though he didn't give me that notion, I met a REALLY great guy!  He lives in a town that is next door to my hometown.  He is a year younger than me and incredibly cute!  His southern accent puts a smile on my face and I hate the days that he and I don't get to talk to each other. 

I know this is new...and I have never been one to put "all my eggs in one basket" but I have such a good feeling about this one.  We went to a movie tonight.  Saw "Along Came Polly".  It was good.  We had fun and he made me laugh harder than any man has for a long time. 

Who knows...This could be good.

I Knew I Was Right...

MEN SUCK!  When I am less pissed, I will let you in on this.  SO WEAK!  GAWWWD!