Personal Discovery

I think I may have found the fatal flaw.  I can be one of the most patient people you will meet.  Rush hour traffic does not bother me.  Long lines at the store?  No problem.  I even offer my differing opinion to the complaining fusspots in line.  Children I have the most patience for.  The thing/people that I don't have patience with seem to be those in my romantic life.

Maybe it is a product of my results-driven career but I seem to have less and less time for the men in my life.  For me, I can pretty much tell from the start if something or someone is what I want to invest my time in.  So if an interest is expressed to me but not acted upon for 3 or 4 weeks, you can pretty much bet my interest has waned...probably to an irreversable nothing.  Basically, I would like an interest shown or at least my possible interest being "kept warm".  But I know that takes work.  Something that a lot of folks don't want to do. 

Maybe that is because to me it shows indecisiveness and a lack of passion.  A few of my girlfriends and I have had this conversation lately about the general lack of passion in the world. 

I don't think I ask for much.  I have waited this long for the right (or closest to right) guy to come along.  Personally, I would rather stay alone than know that the guy next to me has settled for me and I don't want to settle for him either.  Maybe the problem is that I make up my mind too early in the midst of things but I have learned not to put my feelings or time into something without some indication that I will get the same in return.  Personally, I could not sit on a decision for a month or two and then come back thinking things have not changed.  It doesn't work that way.  Am I wrong about that?  Maybe...but wrong works for me. 

I Smiled...

Today began as a hard day. 

I was supposed to work from home which I did until about 11:30am when the resident evil known as Time Warner Cable had an outage in my area.  There went my internet!  I gave them 30 minutes to get things back online after I reported...at Noon, I had NOTHING BUT STATIC!  So there I go, getting dressed and heading out to Panera Bread.  The first Panera was slam packed...so I go to the one near my old place.  Busy but not packed...folks grabing the grub and heading out...left me a primo table in the corner.  The guy at the counter hooked me up with lunch...thank you dear!  More spending money for the weekend. 

Now I am neck deep in working and working hard when a gray Jeep Cherokee pulls into a parking space near my window and catches my eye.  Out of the Jeep comes a cute older man...maybe about 65.  He had gray hair and a face that carried remnants of great attractiveness peppered with lines of experience.  I wondered to myself just how handsome was he "back in the day".  I watched as he walked around to the passenger side of the Jeep and opened the door.  Out popped the cutest little lady.  She probably was a little younger than the driver but seemed to walk with her own personal spotlight.  She was absolutely beaming.  The driver shut the door, hit the remote lock and instinctively reached for the woman's hand.  They made their way toward the door...hand in hand...talking...smiling...laughing a little...engulfed in their own spotlight of warmth and love.  He held open the door and escorted her, her hand in the crook of his arm, to the counter where they disappeared from my sight.  I sat there...a little overwhelmed at how beautiful and wonderful that sight was to me.  I caught a slight smile on my face that apparently had moved in sometime during my voyeuristic episode. 

It made me think how great that would be to have that kind of love and respect for someone else and from someone else in my life...shucks...in ANYONE'S life.  It's funny how two complete strangers...totally oblivious to my existance...made such a HUGE impression on my day...on my way of thinking!  Just lets you know that you never know who sees you...you never know what kind of an impact you are making.  So as you stomp through life...add a smile to your face.  Hold that door open for the next person.  Acknowledge graciously that there is a world outside of your arm's length.  Have joy and share it!    And to think...

...today began as a hard day.

OK - I admit it...

...I lost it last week!  I am even more upset with myself that I let the actions of a few idiots impact my generally happy attitude to the degree it did.  (See the previous post.)  Honestly, I still have a hard time believing that a good man is out there... at least one with my name on him! :)  But you know, that's fine.  I was a complete woman before I met these folks and I will remain one and will be one despite their attempt to take part of me. 

Don't get me wrong...I am VERY open to receiving a good guy into my life.  Although I cannot say I have really ever had one, I miss having a good guy in my life.  My past record with men is horrible.  What you have seen in the previous post is not the worst of it nor all of it.  Considering the men that I have been involved with it is amazing that I even would be willing to be in a relationship...ever again!  I had a guy friend that was there during a lot of the mess years ago...and he would constantly say he could not figure out why I still had anything to do with men at all!  You know Greg, I am still asking myself that! LOL! 

Now I have had good guys in my life as friends.  (Usually until the wife/girlfriend got jealous about the relationship even though NOTHING was going on.)  SO I know those good guys are out there...they just are destined for someone else.  It's cool.  I have no problem with the fact that it appears that I am not supposed to have a real, good, loving relationship with my soulmate. 

When I was younger, I always thought I wonder what would happen if my soulmate was killed or died before we met.  Would God have a backup soulmate for me...is there a second string in relationships?  Do you go without your true partner in life and settle for second best...unknowingly?  Is that why so many of my girlfriends are single or suffering through horrible relationships or settling on lesbian relationships?  (which is not an option for me!) Do soulmates really exist or are they products of our ability to be flexible and applying ourselves like putty into the lives of others...filling in all the emotional holes? 

Maybe there are no answers to those questions.  Maybe we are supposed to go through life and just fall into our place and hope for the best.

Wonder if I am in my place...

In My Opinion...

I am beginning to believe that men are a waste of time.  They lie...they claim that they are different when there could be NOTHING farther from the truth.  They are incapable of having a relationship with anyone who is not a leech or needs to be rescued every 5 seconds...or a woman who doesn't need her bills paid.  My place in this world is not to be your concubine...your girl on the side or your slut.  I cannot believe women have allowed their sons to be that disrespectful of women!

I always thought that being independent and able to stand on my own were qualities that a REAL man would desire.  The more I bring to the table the farther along we are in achieving our common goals.  I guess that is not true.  I will NEVER apologize for being the successful and independent woman that I am!  I guess I am only on the path of the insecure men that feel threated by my skills!  That is too freaking bad!

So if you fit what I have said here and are a weak, fleeing man and you get upset...that is too bad.  If you are a REAL, strong man who is willing to have a woman beside you and not leaning on you to be carried through life, then I am your girl!

If you do not fit my preferences and you know what they are, don't waste your life telling me about the "errors of my ways".  Will you get upset if I do not spend EVERY waking minute in your face...then bye.   Think that I cannot live without your emotional bondage...wrong! 

I have said it before and I will say it again  I would rather be alone than with the wrong one!  So you are gone...that is good.  My back is strong but not strong enough to carry a weak man!

Thought for Today - 10/03/05

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.

                                                                           Ralph Waldo Emerson

What A FuNked Up Week!

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you wish you could just ball it up and throw it in the trash?  I WANT A DO-OVER!  This past week absolutley sucked!  Work is stupid!  We are doing an AWESOME job and have been called on the carpet as a group for something stupid and irrelavent...told to play nice when we already do.  Sometimes I wonder if Mgmt does that to make people get frustrated and want to move on!  Well, it has come this close (*snap*) to working for me!  I am already frustrated at the lack of opportunities here.  Almost three years here with no evaluations, one pay raise, no true promotions, tons of nepotism, lots of backtracking and butt kissing (something that is not my style).  It is at the point this week that I am thinking back 15 years and wishing I had joined the military!  Darn that Marine recruiter for not being just a little more persuasive!  If he had put as much effort into recruiting me as he did hitting on me and my roommate, things could have been a lot different.  DOGGONE!  Maybe it is time to start thinking about relocating again!  I know in earlier posts I mentioned moving to the west coast but due to some changes in my family (which I will not go into here), that would not be a good idea. 

My next big event for my promotions company has been pushed from October 15 to FEBRUARY!  My web designer has disappeared off the face of the earth and I am stressed beyond belief!  I have a October 15 deadline for my sponsors or they are pulling their backing.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that I usually let things roll off me like water on a duck's back but this is stuck in my craw! (Along with many other things).

My personal life sucks!  I had met a guy online, thought things were great, but things are on hold.  Our plans to meet face to face are not working out.  His job is getting crazy so he will be working more cutting into the time we could meet.  I sure hope it is not all a lie.  If that is the case, I am glad I didn't meet him.  If it is not, I hope God knocks me over the head with some patience...and quick!  I still don't know why I was even trying something long distance...I know it has never worked before...but SHOOT nothing local as worked out so far or else I would not be single still! Sad thing is this seems like it could be a good thing.  I had even tried to move to the area where he is and that was before I met him but that has not worked out either! 

Alright - enough whining! :)  This is Moment One/Step One for the path to good, no GREAT things!  I know there is something great right around the corner and I graciously accept it!  It may involve people and things already in my life and I accept how much better it all is about to be!  I welcome that wonderful love that I have searched for for all of my life.  I welcome that beautiful sofa that will end my 4 year quest! :)  I welcome that new house for me and mine to live in wonderful brillant happiness in.  I welcome that brand new Gray GMC Envoy that wants to be parked in my garage!  I welcome the great health and job opportunities that want to flood my life!  Starting now, I am no longer defeated!  I am merely steps away from the awesome things my path holds! 

I guess it is time to "Get Ta Steppin'"   

Spotting Greg Austin....

So many folks have emailed me or talked to me about Greg Austin and how beautiful the "Long Distance Lovers" song is that I decided to post the tour information that I have for him for through the middle of October.  If you are in SC, you are in luck!    I will try to remember to update this in another post in a couple of weeks!

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Fri Sep 30 @ Jimmy's of Sumter in Sumter      Hwy 378       Sumter, SC       USA      Time: 9 pm - 1 am      $ 0.- cover/entrance fee      Tickets Hotline: 803-494-4944

Sat Oct 1 @ Jimmy's of Sumter in Sumter      Hwy 378       Sumter, SC       USA      Time: 9 pm - 1 am      $ 0.- cover/entrance fee      Tickets Hotline: 803-494-4944

Fri Oct 7 @ Shucker's by Mike in Sumter      401 Rast St.       Sumter, SC 29150      USA      Time: 9 pm - 2 am      $ 0.- cover/entrance fee      Tickets Hotline: 803-775-5304

Sat Oct 8 @ Hub's Package and Bar in Metter      10 N. Register St.       Metter, GA 30439      USA      Time: 8 pm - 12 am      $ 0.- cover/entrance fee      Tickets Hotline: 912-685-9342

Fri Oct 14 @ Top Gun Lounge in Sumter      Shaw Air Force Base       Sumter, SC       USA      Time: 5 pm - 10 pm      $ 0.- cover/entrance fee      Tickets Hotline: 803-666-3651

Moving On...

I know it has taken me more than two years but I am finally able to say I am letting go of my ex.  Recently, I have posted about how much I still missed him.  Now I know it was not Pete that I was missing but some of the ways I felt with him.  Thing was, it was all a lie.  I was feeling it but he wasn't even when he said he did.  But that is ok.  So just in case he is reading this, I want to say to him:

Pete,

I know you obviously did not know how hurtful it is to play with someone else's heart and feelings.  I want to believe that if you did, you would not have allowed yourself to do some of the things you did.  My greatest wish is that you are never hurt as much as you hurt me.  I pray that when you find the person you think is the love of your life, that she doesn't walk on your heart like it is a worn out door mat.  At this point in my life, I know that I cannot openly receive my true love or recognize my true soulmate as long as I am harboring any resentment for you.  Never will I regret standing beside you and supporting you even when you weren't there.  I am glad I was the bridge that carried you across those valleys you encountered while we were together.  I am proud to know that I am capable of being the person you really needed, even if you did not realize it or appreciate it.  I do wish you love so that one day you will know what to give back to someone who loves you.  Because of you, I have a better understanding of that and I am ready to give it back to someone who truly loves me, too.  So, I close not only this message but also your part of my life because I am ready to receive the great things that await me and I am ....

Moving On.

You are what?????

You know I never realized it until recently that I have been shocking a few folks that see my profile.  You see the name - DivaForWhitePrince...you see my love for country music - since I think Tim McGraw and Toby Keith are both delicious! LOL!  With all that...folks don't know I am African American!  LOL!  Too Funny!  I guess I forgot to add that to my profile over to the left!  Guess I had better do that! See the majority of the Yahoo Groups I belong to are for white men who date black women so I guessed that the visitors to my blog were from there....Oops!  Guess I will go change my profile now!  Haha!   

Yeah I Am A Country Girl!

It is so funny to me now.  All my formative years while Grandma force-fed me a Hee-Haw diet on Saturday nights, I TOTALLY hated Country music!  I often thought that if I had to listen to one more Charlie Pride, George Jones or (Grandma's Favorite) Roy Acuff song, every ounce of my pigmentation would just fall off me!  LOL!  Since I have been an adult, I have developed a taste for country music.  Tim McGraw (my personal favorite), Toby Keith (yes I have a thing for stocky cowboys, too), Keith Urban (when he talks, his accent throws me off! LOL!) and Lonestar are a few of the artists I have been listening to lately.  That is until today!  Many of you who visit my blog know me from YahooGroups that I belong to.  While checking out the members list to one of those groups tonight, I ran across a country music artist that belongs to the group as well.  His name is Greg Austin and he has a great song for those who have found love online or have a loved one that is far away from you.  If you like country music, take a moment to listen to Long Distance Lovers.  WHy don't you take a minute and let me know what you think of his song. Email me!

Where Have You Been!

I know! I know!  I said I was going to be more diligent about posting but things are wild lately!  Recently, I became one half of a promotions partnership and we already have a big event to set up....IN SIX WEEKS!  On top of that we have a website launch to do, employees to hire, loose ends to straighten out AND work our full time jobs!  (Can't let go of THAT yet!)  So watch out...we are on our way!

Blue Friday

I am not really sure what happened today.  After two years, Pete is occupying a lot of my thoughts today.  Maybe it was all the news reports about Iraq and the Marine reservists that we lost this week.  Maybe it was just the fact that nothing stays buried for forever.  Don't get me wrong...I do not regret my life without him...especially in light of all the things that happened which I will not get into here.  I know I don't miss him.  Maybe I miss the life I thought I would have with him that I never did.  Maybe it was the sudden death of one of my classmates who was one day older than me.  Someone I had known since second grade.  Maybe I am just having a moment!  Maybe I need to quit listening to this dang song! 

I finally was able to stop listening to Tim McGraw today (after what...5 months?)  and I put in the Keith Urban CD.  Maybe that was the mistake.  The song Tonight I Want To Cry was where I lost it today.  Thank goodness I am working from home. 

All I know is that I would/will NEVER sacrifice my happiness to have the things I want in life.  Settling for someone who doesn't love me like I love them or who disrespects me is NOT a part of my plan.  Yeah, it gets lonely out here waiting.  Who knows?  I may be waiting for the rest of my life.  It just sucks right now.  :(  I am thankful that I do not get these moods very often.  I think this is the first time in over a year or so...maybe more!  This funk will be over before I turn in for the night...that I know. 

Nothing in my life has really changed...I still want my partner in life, my family...I really don't think that is a lot to ask for.  I do know since I have been out here this long I am not going to change what I want.  I know no one is perfect and I really am not but I will not accept things I do not agree with just to say I have someone in my life. 

Oh well,  let me just back to my seat in life's waiting room before someone takes it!

The Song Post

I still love me some Van Morrison!  But I have been in a country feel mostly lately.  No, today's song is not country.  It is actually from a kind of newcomer that has a cool look and voice and I love the lyrics of most of his songs...I wonder if he writes them himself...hmmm.  Anywho!  Gavin DeGraw is an absolute cutie that seems to be singing my life's soundtrack!  Today's clip is: Follow Through, again by Gavin DeGraw.

The song basically tells his prospective love the qualities that they must possess.  I think his list while not as inclusive as mine is a good start.  If you get the opportunity to hear the whole song (if you haven't already), do and pay close attention to the lyrics.

I Am Back!

Wow!  It has been almost a year and a half since my last post.  I know I said I would never post again but here I am!

Things have not changed much as far as men in my life are concerned.  In the last year, I did meet someone I thought I would be THE one.  But again I was wrong.  Fortunately for me, I have had quite a few changes in my life that have changed my prospective on everything else.  I still have a hard time believing that there is a love out there for everyone.  I know love happens for others but the love between a man and a woman may not exist for me.  I am ok with that.  As long as I have my family and friends, I am good! :) 

I do think I will start adding the song clips again as a reflection of my mood for the day!  Already got today's song in mind!

So for the folks who are watching and reading...I am glad you are here and I am glad to be back.  I cannot wait to hear from you!